TEDDY GIRL FROM HELL
(Chris Black)
CHRIS 'FENDERMAN' BLACK (CJV RECORDS, 2001)

'Ello John, are you married?
Not yet Alvin, no one will have me
Well, let this be a warning to you son
I was just like you once
I had money in my pocket, my own teeth
And a big wavy quiff like Tony Curtis
I was king of all the A13 Teds
Rocking and rolling every night
Pulling crumpet in my big flash Ford Zephyr
With the bench seats, Halford spots and Plimsoll white wall tyres
I used to cruise down past the Ilford Palais
That's where I met 'er in doors
It was during that Ted Heath concert
And we were doing the Creep, and we crept into each other
It was love at first sight, well it was for me...
She was a pretty young thing, all body!
Just like two loaded 45's pointed at yer'
She had blue eyes, long blonde ponytail
I took her to Lambourne End Sheep Pens for a quick dip
By dawn I was plum tuckered out, she seemed to thrive on it
That's when she put a lucky gypsy spell on me
And we got married, it seems more like a curse now
The vicar thought we were Elvis and Priscilla
Everything was just fine at first
We had breakfast in bed, dinner in bed, souper in bed
Every damn thing you can think of in bed
We only got out to go to the toilet
Then it happened, things started to slow down...
And they went down as well, if you know what I mean
Then she started, and it went like this
You've been warned son!

On and on, on and on, on and on (Three bags full)
On and on, on and on, on and on (Uuhhhhuh)

Alvin! (What now?) Where are you?
You can't hide for me
I've got fifty jobs for you to do, and I want 'em all done today!
The washing machine's broken
And the knocker's fell off the front door
And my hoover won't work!

Alvin! (What now?) Where are you?
The sink's blocked up, the TV's gone off
The tap's dripping, and get your hair cut
Do you know you're going bald?
Alvin! The dogs had the rubbish out
And strewn it all down the front garden
The mower's busted, and the grass wants cutting
And don't you use my scissors!
The car won't start, the windows need cleaning
And there's a dirty brylcream ring 'round the basin again
The toilet seat's fell off

Alvin! (What now?)
The can's blocked and the loo brush is jammed down it
And there's no paper
The kettle's not working, and I just got a shock off the iron
And stop playing that "Worried Man" song over and over again

Alvin! Where are you?
Are you in that bathroom?
What are you doing in there?
You've been in it for three and a half hours
You're certainly not having a bath!

It's your cooking, it goes right through me
Don't you answer me back Alvin!
You're getting like your friend Chris Black
He is a bad influence!
Don't ask him 'round here anymore, he doesn't wear a TIE
If you're not out of that bathroom in five minutes
I'll climb through the window
Yes, the one you haven't cleaned!
You can't hide from me Alvin
The toaster's gone up in a puff of smoke
And I've got another twenty jobs for you to do, today!

Alvin! (What now?)
The dogs are on the table, eating your dinner
Yes, the cremated steak and kidney pie
That's been in the oven for three and a half hours
You want to take that dog down to the vet
And get yourself put down with it, you're useless!

The lightbulb's gone out in the hall
There's mud on the doormat
The gate's fell of off its hinges
And the letterbox is jammed
The milkman needs paying, the rent's due
And they stopped the papers
And the drain's are blocked
And there's doggy dung on the lawn

Alvin! (What now?)
Have you been talking about me to your friends?
My mother's coming...
She was right, I should have never married you
What do you mean? It's ashame I won't be coming anymore?
I don't know what you mean
Alvin! The fire's gone out (Tell me about it!)

Alvin! Where are you? (What now?)
Don't know why you keep hiding, I'm going out
I can hear glasses rattling and bottles clinking
Are you down in that cellar with your home made brew kit again?
You better not be!
It'll go straight through you, worse than my cooking
And I'm fed up sending your pants to the laundry
I know you're down that cellar, 'cause I can smell beer
I'm coming down Alvin!
I found your little hideaway, aha-ha-harr-harr
You can't escape from me!
What's this coffin doing down here?
Made out of old beer crates, I've not seen this before
(Knock-knock-knock)
Just because you're in your coffin Alvin, it's no excuse!
I've got seventy jobs for you to do, all today!
What are you doing in there anyway?
I suppose you drowned in your own home made beer
Serves you right! Or are you writing another song?

Bugger off! I'm decomposing...
Alvin! You're about as much use as the pope's bollocks!